11 Ways Your Beauty Routine Changes When You Have A Baby

People say that having a baby changes everything, but I didn’t realize they were talking about my beauty routine. But it does. My whole look is different now. Here are 11 ways my beauty routine has changed since having a baby.

1. No More Bold Lips

Bold lips have always been my go-to beauty staple. There’s always a tube of red lipstick in my pocket, and for years I would happily run around completely barefaced without even mascara or concealer, but with a big, bold, matte red mouth. But the first day I went out with the baby, I went to kiss the baby on the head and realized I could not. The red lipstick part of my life is over for now, and I will have to stock up on shades that will not rub off on the baby’s face.

2. Foundation Is Suddenly Essential

I wear foundation twice a year at the most. I still have the foundation my mother bought me when I started high school. It just never seemed to add much or matter at all until I started carrying a baby around. Nothing will make you feel weird about your skin like sitting next to a three-week-old. You think Jennifer Lawrence has beautiful skin? She does, but nobody has skin as youthful as a baby’s.

3. The Mom Haircut Suddenly Makes Sense

I never understood why people called short, chic hair “mom” haircuts until my infant learned how to use her hands. Now my hair is the best toy there is. She likes nothing more than grabbing the little wisps of hair at the front of my face that escaped my ponytail, and she is really strong. If I cut all my hair off, will you please just humor me and call it a pixie cut and pretend I’m cool and hip like Emma Watson and not a woman who just got a mom haircut?

4. Washing One’s Face Before Bed Is Overkill

I’ve been standing on a soapbox telling everyone to remove their makeup before bed for years, but when the baby finally goes to sleep, and I can either go do my 30-minute, 12-step Korean skincare regimen or jump in bed as fast as possible, knowing I’m going to be up again in about two or three hours, I will usually pick the latter. Hell, sleeping in makeup is bad for your skin, and going without sleep is bad for your skin. I’m pretty much doomed either way.

5. Bathe Like A Medieval French Aristocrat

I’m sorry, everyone. I am the most gross. Even when I shower, I am left with a window of about 30 minutes at best before I am covered in milk and other unspeakable horrors. Years ago, I would have huffily insisted that it is rude to wear perfume in restaurants because it will alter everyone else’s dining experience in ways they did not sign up for. At this point, I am just dousing myself in perfume and pretending I’m a clean lady who thinks everyone wants to smell Chanel. I’m not disgusting; I’m a medieval French aristocrat.

6. Long Nails Are Over

Stiletto nails are for the Jenners. Even Kim Kardashian doesn’t have crazy nails anymore, and that’s because long nails and babies do not mix. Babies are dumb and will take your finger and just shove it right in their own eye.

7. You Must Read All The Labels

Gone are the days of putting wacko science junk on your face. Retin-A and Hyaluronic Acid are skincare powerhouses, but you’re not supposed to use them while pregnant or breastfeeding. I used to slap everything at the drugstore on my face to see what worked. Now I Google everything on the ingredients list to make sure it won’t explode the baby.

8. Gel Manicures Are Everything

Gel manicures will last a long time, even when someone is constantly chewing on your fingers.

Wait, is it dangerous for a baby to chew on a gel manicure? Crap, I need to Google that.

9. Diaper Cream Is Really Good For Your Nails

Having and caring for a baby really wrecks one’s beauty routine, but at least your nails will look good.

10. Nipple Cream Is Really Good For Your Lips

There is no lip balm as good for dry lips as a nipple cream. It tastes gross but is really moisturizing.

11. Trends Are Forgiving Right Now

I used to wear high-waisted skinny jeans because I was a long-waisted hipster, and those were my jam. Then I had a baby and realized high-waisted skinny jean was the best pant for not feeling like I had an empty kangaroo pouch hanging over my low-rise raw denim boyfriend jeans. And fashion sneakers! Thank God for fashionable sneakers. I do not care if they go out of style; I will wear my Stan Smiths forever.