So, you’re sleeping with somebody. Congratulations! Maybe you already knew this person, or perhaps you met via online dating, or quite possibly even had some kind of a meet-cute (JK, we all know that doesn’t happen IRL), but regardless of how it started, it’s now happening. But now it’s the holiday season, what the eff gift do you get for them? Finding a way to say, “I care, sort of”, is tricky, I know.
Things can get fuzzy around the holidays when you are not “dating-dating”, but you do “like-like” somebody. (What, am I the only 25-year-old still using the truly scientific behavioral terminology?) When you’ve got a friend with benefits, hookup buddy, or whatever else you want to call somebody you bang sometimes and occasionally go to dinner with but don’t really plan on introducing to your parents, you still develop some form of friendly, affectionate feelings. There’s an attachment between you, even if it’s primarily anatomical, which constitutes getting one another gifts for the holidays.
Here’s what to get your insignificant other without looking like a jerk or somebody desperate for a relationship!
1. Underwear
Unfortunately, “friends with benefits” does not mean you get a snazzy 401K and a flex spending account to accompany your sexcapades, so you need to be frugal but friendly. And what is more friendly than getting somebody proper underwear so when you hook up, you won’t feel like a controlling overzealous jerk when you cringe at those faded, slouchy boxers?
2. Sexy Underwear For You
It’s the gift that keeps on giving… well, sort of. It keeps on giving to your buddy for as long as you two keep hooking up; it keeps on giving to you for as long as you own it, which will presumably be forever. So really, this is more of a gift for you, but get it in his or her favorite color so it’ll at least seem like you tried.
3. A Season Of That Show You Both Like
Do not–I repeat, do not–get your friend with benefits something you do not want to watch. You will regret it. Just because your bang bud is really into historical dramas starring method actors doesn’t mean you need to go out and buy Lincoln, because you can bet you’ll wind up watching that crap the next time you’re over at their house and it’s cold out, and the two of you are bored but too lazy to get down.
4. Funny Shirt
Giving somebody a shirt with a funny saying on it is like telling them, “I barely care about you, but isn’t that enough?” It is a birthday card with no money inside of adult relationships.
5. Socks
Look how handsome these socks are! Socks say, “I want your feet to be warm,” without saying, “I want to spend even a minute rubbing your feet like some kind of fetishist maid.” Buy socks.
6. Gift Certificate
Gift certificates show you care enough to know what the person you’re canoodling with enjoys but not enough commitment to say, “Yeah, I’ll go with you to do that.”
7. Homemade
Grab a few supplies at the local craft store, sit down at your table and whip up a warm, heartfelt, adorable…
JUST KIDDING. You get to do this BS ’til you’re 10 or so, and then never again until you’re in your sixties or so. Nobody wants that from an adult they’re being romantic with, not even that guy you’ve kicked out of your house at 3 AM for snoring. Don’t do this unless you’re incredibly good at making art, writing music, or turning your Pinterest boards into actual realities.
(Stipulation: if you are good at any or all of those things, yes, this can be awesome.)
8. Beer Basket
Every Easter, I make little baskets full of various pastel cans of beer. You can do the same for the holidays. Just pick a theme–either red and green for Christmas, blue and white for Chanukah or a variety of shades for an overall holiday grab bag. They look snazzy, they’re delightful, and they can all be purchased at one stop.
9. Perfume/Cologne
Having a signature scent is a wonderful thing, but if your hookup pal is still using the same spritz of Eau de Blah from high school, snag him or her a brand-new fragrance that you’ll both love. If you don’t feel like dropping $60+ on a bottle, just gift a rollerball or miniature set instead.
10. Wallet
This is a gift that says, “Hey, you’re somebody whom I do not want to go through the pain of losing your license and/or credit cards.” Now, isn’t that nice? It is. Give that.
11. Fancy Cheese
Literally, everyone loves fancy cheeses, with the notable exceptions of vegans and lactose intolerant. For everyone else, pick up a cute cheese board, cut up a few snazzy picks from your local farmers market, pop on a couple types of dried fruits, and pour some wine. Voila! You’ve created a romantic evening, and you obviously get to consume the cheese and booze yourself. That’s what I? call a win, win, win.
