Be honest, you have a web store open on your browser right now, don’t you? I do. I’m looking at culottes. The Internet is great because with it we can access basically all of humankind’s recorded knowledge, but mostly because we can use it to look at cats and shop on it when we’re supposed to be doing work.
As with all things in this world, it is not what we say or do, but where we shop that defines us. Here is our 100-percent serious and completely accurate guide to what your favorite online store says about you.
1. ASOS
You are getting too old for this shit, and by “this shit,” I mean “going outdoors” and “doing things.” You do all your shopping from your desk at work. You are addicted to Seamless, or whatever food delivery website serves your location. You have a pair of affordably priced jeans open in a window behind this page, don’t you? Go ahead, they’ll look great on you. Also, crab rangoon sounds really good for dinner right now.
2. Modcloth
You picked Modcloth hoping that I would call you twee because you love the word “twee.” It just sounds so fun. “Tweeeee! Tweeeeee!” It’s sort of like, “Wheeee!” but quirkier. You love Zooey Deschanel’s outfits on The New Girl and want them all for yourself (Hint: they’re mostly from Modcloth, go figure). You’re thinking about getting a bird. You weren’t thinking about getting a bird before you started reading this article, but for some reason, you are now, and it seems like a good idea.
3. H&M
You deeply resent having to try things on. In a perfect world, everything would just show up at your door sized to fit already. That really would be a perfect world, especially since you are so bad about returning stuff that doesn’t work out. “I should return this, it might be a bit too big,” you will say. Then it will sit on the floor of your room for a few weeks until you think, “Eff it, I’ll just wear it.” Thank god for slouchy T-shirts, and especially for rompers.
4. Net-a-Porter
You are not poor, you’re a rich person who doesn’t have any money. Someday you will be rich though, and when that day comes you are going to wear only Alexander Wang T-shirts, Proenza Schouler bags, and real jewelry with real jewels in it, none of that costume stuff. Until that day happens, your Pinterest board will suffice.
5. The Outnet
You’re just now starting to realize that maybe you won’t wind up being super-rich when you grow up, but you’re still doing OK. You’re certainly doing OK enough to have a semi-expensive handbag and a steeply discounted Vivienne Westwood cocktail dress. If not now, then someday. You prioritize your indulgences well. While you might splurge on one perfect accessory, you’re really more likely to buy at H&M and spend the rest of your money on sushi and fancy cocktails.
6. Yoox
Visions of Comme des Garcons jackets and Alaia shoes and Ann Demeulemeester trousers are dancing through your head to the music of the cold, fluorescent lights above your cubicle. You are very, very into fashion, and your lack of funds does not lessen your passion. You don’t believe in seasonality. If you loved something in the Spring of 2008, you obviously still love it now.
7. Nasty Gal
You can pinpoint the exact moment you stopped hating Taylor Swift. Because you are the hippest person you know, that actually happened before “Shake It Off.” In fact, you probably started liking her sometime between when that time she wore a cat robe on an airplane and when she wore a dorky, unicorn onesie for Halloween. You smell something in the air, though, and you think the tide may be about to turn against Tay-Tay. You can’t say you’re sad about that. Your haircut would look awful on a less adorable person, but on you, it works.
8. Think Geek
Internet commenters are making you want to tear your hair out today. You wish you could just jump into your TARDIS and zip away to someplace cool. At least you are wearing something that cheers you up a bit. You don’t care so much what other people think of your clothes, you just love being able to look down at your own legs and see something that makes you smile.
9. Shopbop
Isn’t Audrey Hepburn just the best? She was just so pretty! I mean, sure, she fought the Nazis and spoke a whole pile of languages and that was cool and all, but boy did she ever look cute in a pair of skinny pants. You know who else is cool? Lauren Conrad. She should get a Pulitzer for inventing the sock bun. Fall is coming and you need 16 sweaters, and if you buy 17, you will get free shipping, so you will have to do that. And be sure to treat yourself to a bandeau bra while you’re at it.
