OK, youths, listen up: I’m about to turn 27, and I’ve never been to a music festival. This is a fact I’d like to change, but there’s just one problem: I can’t commit to a weekend of bumping and grinding in the desert with Kendall Jenner and the like until I get some answers. I have some pressing music festival-related questions, and I need you festival-frequenting youths to help me out.
The following are 13 very serious questions that I have about music festivals:
1. How do you get there? Judging by your Instagram accounts, all music festivals occur in the middle of nowhere. So how do you get there? Shuttle bus? Teleportation? Broomsticks? How?
2. How does everyone manage to look so good at music festivals? I feel like the environment at music festivals is not conducive to looking hot, yet you all manage to pull it off. How?
3. Like, do you bring all of your makeup with you?
4. And your day creams, night creams, eye creams, serums, and sheet masks?
5. And your best hydrating conditioners sea salt sprays, and other styling tools? Because I would need all those things to look even half as good as festival-goers do on their Instagram accounts.
6. How do you keep your whites looking so fresh and clean? Flowy white dresses and gauzy white tops are among the music festival sets. But how do you keep your white clothes looking so… white? Aren’t you sleeping on the dusty desert floor?
7. Speaking of sleeping: how do you do that? Seriously—how? Aren’t people just partying around you all night? Do you somehow manage to tune them out? Or do you not sleep at all?
8. Do you ever worry that drunk asses will try to tip over the Porta-Potty as you use it? I knew a guy who knew a guy who lived through this experience and hearing the story absolutely changed my life for the worse.
9. Do celebrities walk among the normals at music festivals? My sister went to Osheaga last summer and somehow managed to party with and stand next to Cara Delevingne for hours. My sister reported that nobody bothered Cara for photos or autographs the entire time. This leads me to my next question…
10. Do you all keep cool when seeing celebrities at music festivals? Because I don’t think I could do that. I know I couldn’t do that.
11. Do you feel a sense of oneness with the other festivalgoers? One of my friends went to Bonnaroo a couple of years ago and said she felt like she was with family the entire time. Was that the drugs talking, or is that how everyone feels during a festival?
12. Is it like Woodstock, where you’re all just one big mass of positive vibes, love, and peace? Is it?
13. Should I go to a music festival or nah? Help.
