I’m pretty sure that everyone who likes boys has had, at some point, a fictional boyfriend, that hot guy you kind of want to be but mostly just want to be with. Sometimes the lust is merely physical, but it’s best when it’s more. What high school kid hasn’t forgotten to do her homework because she’s been writing fanfic in her head about her romantic adventures saving the world with Neville Longbottom?
Here’s our 100-percent scientific and guaranteed accurate assessment of what your favorite fictional boyfriend says about you.
1. Jon Snow
You care deeply about fighting injustice, especially injustices that are done to you. You might have called someone “basic” unironically, and you think most pop music is dumb and a waste of time. Your tendency to always point out how things could go wrong is kind of a bummer, but you maintain it will be useful when the world inevitably plunges into chaos. Also, you know nothing. Robb Stark is way hotter.
2. Thor
You are so shallow that little kids could safely go swimming in you. You’re not into torture or complicated things. You have enough of that on your own. You want a Manic Pixie Dream Guy: A wildly hot guy, a confident, easygoing guy with no emotional baggage and a good sense of humor—which means he laughs at your jokes—who is a big fan of your intelligence but not threatened by it. You know, that’s actually sounding pretty good right now. Live the dream! He’s out there, and he probably likes girls with glasses who are really eager for the next season of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt to start.
3. Edward Cullen
All you want out of life is never to have anything bad happen to you, ever. As long as you never have to worry about career success, illness, disappointment, aging, or the inevitability of death, you’ll be pretty content.
4. Christian Grey
Frankly, you’re really just into the money. Interior decor porn is more fun than actual porn. You know what a Noguchi coffee table and an Eames lounger are, and you intend to have a life-size oil portrait of yourself made to hang in your loft, which will be a spacious loft with exposed brick and timber that still makes people think of Downton Abbey. (You will also have portraits made of your mother and your grandmother, or you will just buy portraits of other people and say they are your relatives, because why the hell not? There’s no reason you can’t surround yourself with the old signs of aristocracy, and to say otherwise is undemocratic.)
5. Shaun Hunter from Boy Meets World
You are either in your 20s or you’re in your 30s and were not cool in high school. Popularity is overrated anyway, though. You probably had more fun eating pizza with your friends than any of the cool kids had at their hot teen drug and sex parties. (I do not know what goes on in high school when you are popular.)
6. Gambit
Hot guys are like hummingbirds or fancy tropical fish. You like to look at them, but you don’t actually want to put your hands on one. Shopping is more fun than owning, and you like crushing on someone unavailable more than you’ve ever actually enjoyed having a boyfriend. You are into cool clothes, but you’re willing to overlook a lot of awful outfits on a guy as long as he has cool hair.
7. Marshall Erickson from How I Met Your Mother
You’re either already married or might as well be. Friends joke that you are the old married couple, but they all kind of want to be you. You love Muppets and meatball sandwiches and parody music. You had a real crush on either Weird Al Yankovic or one of the guys from They Might Be Giants. Somewhere in your house, you have a stuffed animal for the kid you haven’t officially decided to have yet, you know, just in case.
8. Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother
You have most likely confused the real-life wonderful man Neil Patrick Harris with his HIMYM character. That’s OK, even if it does happen to you a lot, like when you couldn’t remember if unicorns were extinct or imaginary. You have felt a deep kinship with Jessica Simpson ever since she was caught on camera saying,” Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it’s tuna, but it says ‘Chicken of the Sea.’” You’ve totally been there.
9. Channing Tatum from Magic Mike and Magic Mike XXL
You are a simple woman with simple pleasures. Do you know why Channing Tatum is dancing like this in this movie or what his character’s name is? You do not, but you will spend the next three weeks watching this movie on repeat. (Protip: Movie Coke is too expensive, so don’t bother sneaking in a flask of rum. Mix the rum into a liter of Coke at home, and then just smuggle the whole thing into the theater with you.) Seriously, is his name Mike or something? I saw this movie and remember nothing.
Who is your favorite fictional boyfriend? Let us know in the comments.
